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Title: The unsaid words

Author: [livejournal.com profile] yurikamome19

Pairing: YutoYama

Rating: pg-13

Genre: AU, BL, angst

Yamada Ryosuke meant a lot to Nakajima Yuto.

He was his childhood memories, his first love, best friend, an important person in his life and… his lover.

Yamada Ryosuke came from a poor family, didn’t get enough education and didn’t have a privileged life like Nakajima Yuto. But Yuto always admired him. He admired the way Ryosuke never stopped learning and didn’t mind any of the things that the people told him and kept running after his dream to be a chef. He adored Ryosuke when he was going around in his kitchen, practicing his cooking skills and cooking him something that he learned from the professional chef in the restaurant he was working in. He always loved the smile on Ryosuke’s face whenever he told him that the dish he cooked for him was delicious.

He would never forget any of it, each of his smile that colored his days since that moment he saw him in the park when they were little. He would never forget the way he laughed when he was playing with his dog, the only reason of why he always walked his dog at the same time every afternoon in the park where he always played with his little sister. He loved him since then and he was sure Ryosuke knew that too. So he didn’t say those three words, because it wasn’t necessary, because they knew in their hearts that they belonged to each other.

Yamada Ryosuke loved the baumkuchen from a bakery they visited in their first date, it never changed even if they went around tasting so many foods and sweets in their uncountable dates after that. Ryosuke always loved that baumkuchen they shared on a bench in the park as the golden-colored leaves were falling to greet the winter, he said it reminded him of their first kiss, that awkward kiss that made both of their cheeks blushed after. Ryosuke still remembered that although that was a long time ago and they had shared a lot of beautiful romantic moments together.

Every week on Sunday morning, Yuto always drove to that bakery no matter if it was raining, snowing, or he had a very bad week before that. He always drove almost an hour there and turned back to visit Ryosuke with the baumkuchen and several other foods he liked. The tears was never failed to fall down from Ryosuke’s eyes even when he was eating the baumkuchen, he said that he cried because it was delicious, but Ryosuke couldn’t fool him or anyone around him. He knew Ryosuke cried because he missed him and he did his best not to cry in front of him.

The sickness was eating their memories fast and it made Ryosuke to forget about Yuto. No one would be able to understand or even imagine his feelings at that moment when Ryosuke asked who he was. Ryosuke said he couldn’t remember his name, that he only recognized his face. His heart was broken and he wanted to scream and cry when Ryosuke was holding his face, tracing every inch of it while trying to remember who he was. But he didn’t cry there, he would not let Ryosuke to see him crying, because that was he had promised him before all of this happened.

“promise me one thing, Yuto”

He cried and sobbed, holding his hands tight like Ryosuke would leave him right there. It was a week after Ryosuke was appointed to the hospital because he collapsed in work, the thing Ryosuke convinced him that it was only because he was tired and exhausted. But it was not…

“promise me that you will let me to remember your smiling face. Promise me that you won’t cry when I’m… deteriorating” Ryosuke tried to brush away his tears with his thumbs, but it was no use… his tears couldn’t stop falling.

“when I die… I want to only remember your smile” Ryosuke said as his hands which touched his hands were trembling and fear swimming in his eyes. Ryosuke was scared… just like him… they were both scared of losing each other.

He knew that God would take Ryosuke away from him, sooner or later, whether he was ready or not… but he was desperately holding onto a hope that Ryosuke would be okay, that a miracle would happen and one day Ryosuke would be back in his arms and never ever leave him. He was desperately wishing for that, because the idea of losing him was driving him insane and he couldn’t handle it.

Years passed with Ryosuke in the special care house near the sea. Too many tears that he shed alone in his room, wishing Ryosuke was there to shun his loneliness. When years passed and the doctor’s calculation was off, he thought that this was it… that miracle did happen and Ryosuke would not leave him. He would not ask for more, it was enough even though Ryosuke couldn’t move his legs, speak properly or remember him when his condition was bad. As long as Ryosuke was alive… he would not ask for anything again.

Maybe he believed in a miracle way too much that this happened to him. He relied on it too much and it betrayed him. He could only feel the regret crushing into him when he heard the news from his housekeeper that Ryosuke was gone, that his lover went to sleep the night before and didn’t wake up anymore.

Nakajima Yuto was crying beside Yamada Ryosuke’s coffin, the sound of his sad sobs making everyone in the room to cry too. It was as if they could feel his pain and regret. It was as if they could also feel how broken his heart was. But they couldn’t… they would not be able to understand even a tiny bit of what Yuto was going through. They wouldn’t be able to understand his regret, his deepest regret that he didn’t see Ryosuke for a month because of his work and only delivered flowers and his favorite baumkuchen for him.

No one would be able to understand this bitter thing that clawing deep into his heart, the regret that ripped his soul because he knew Ryosuke didn’t need flowers or his favorite foods. Ryosuke only wanted him to pay a visit… Ryosuke only wanted his time and see him… yet he couldn’t give it to him. All because he believed that Ryosuke would not leave him…

His trembling hands took the white cloth that was covering his face, tears falling on that beautiful face like rain and he wished so bad that Ryosuke would wake up. But he didn’t… Ryosuke was still closing his eyes, looking so serene as if he was only sleeping. Ryosuke was beautiful, glowing like that morning he woke up next to him, but he felt so cold like stone in winter. His Ryosuke who was always warm and smiling softly… he was no more.

“I’m so sorry, I should’ve spent more time with you” he said in between his sobs, kissing his forehead softly as his lips trembled. Ryosuke smelled like flowers that was filling his coffin, white roses that was as pure as his soul.

“Nakajima-san, Yamada-san is looking for you. He asks about you everyday” the nurse said on the phone, informing Nakajima Yuto about Yamada Ryosuke.

“tell him I’m sorry I can’t come again this week. Ask him to wait just a little bit more” Yuto said as he was holding a small velvet box in his hand, smiling when he was wondering what kind of expression Ryosuke would make when he put that ring on his finger and asked Ryosuke to marry him.

But he would not be able to find out, because he was gone…

“Goodbye, Ryosuke” Nakajima Yuto bid his farewell, kissing Ryosuke’s hand that had the silver band on his ring finger, the ring that he had saved for a month and couldn’t give to Ryosuke when he was alive.

He wished that his love would accompany Ryosuke's journey wherever he was. He wished that he was in peace now and knew that he loved him so much.

"until we meet again, Ryosuke"

a/n: so Yuto was actually sure that Ryosuke would not die because the doctor’s prediction was off and he thought that it was really a miracle. That was why he worked hard and preparing a surprise wedding for Ryosuke. But well…

I'm on an angsty mood after what happened to my many OTP and after I watched a movie, and needed an outlet, so there you go. It's most-likely awful because I hate angsty story and I didn't re-read it as much as I re-read my other stuff XD
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