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Title: The Other End Of The Red String

Author: [livejournal.com profile] yurikamome19

Pairing: YutoYama

Rating: pg-13

Genre: AU, BL, romance, finally angst?

The week after Valentine’s day went by in a flash for Nakajima Yuto who had his Fall semester exam which was either as written test, group presentation, report or oral test. It was a busy and hard week for Yuto, but thankfully he had help from his ever-so-amazing boyfriend Yamada Ryosuke who begged to Kawaguchi Haruna to tutor him every day in the campus’ library, then also accompanying him to study every night and printing his paper when he was dead tired typing for the task all day. He really was grateful to Ryosuke for charging his energy every morning with a smile and a soft kiss, and a warm breakfast that he really put his effort into.

Those hard days are finally over and he is supposed to be happy and do something more than just a kiss with Ryosuke, preferably something that includes the sex swing and their not-yet-used toys. But well, once again those things should wait because they have more important thing to do, like planning the housewarming party which is not as simple as he has thought, especially the part where he and Ryosuke has to pick the catering service they’ll use, tasting and deciding the menu, choosing the date of the party, making and sending the RSVP to all the guests… that’s a lot of work! Thank God he’s basically free until the new semester after the exam.

However, planning a party is not the only thing that is on his and Ryosuke’s plate right now. There is something else, something that makes him having all kinds of uncomfortable feelings. You see, Yamada Ryosuke is going to resume his education in the college after taking a gap year, and to do that he needs to go to the college and fill out some paperwork about his re-admission and consulting about the schedule he is going to take the next semester. Ryosuke is going back to college… that what makes him to feel worried and anxious, especially because he won’t be there to accompany him since his mother asks him to go with her for a lunch and shopping for the souvenir that will be given to the guests of the party.

Clearly he is worrying that Ryosuke will meet his ex in the university although it’s a bit unlikely that Ryosuke will meet him there. The students are having a spring break and the college is only open for those new students who are going to start studying there, and some students like Ryosuke who took a gap year and about to resume his study. There’s no reason that Julien will come to the college, he’s probably partying somewhere and it’s better be like that because he doesn’t want him to get near the college while Ryosuke is there.

He doesn’t want them to meet. He thinks Ryosuke is not ready for that yet although his lover puts an airs like Julien doesn’t affect him anymore. Ryosuke probably really thinks so, but he knows that when Ryosuke loves someone he won’t forget that someone so easily. And what happened between Ryosuke and Julien… it’s not exactly simple. That’s why he is so worried and scared to let him go alone to the college, how if Ryosuke meet Julien and his feelings toward Julien reappears and it’s stronger than his feelings to him?

The bad feeling doesn’t leave him alone for the whole drive, a slow drive, to the college. He keeps glancing at Ryosuke who is checking the documents in his clear file and putting it in his shoulder bag all while he is singing along the random song in the radio. Ryosuke seems fine about going back to college, to the place where he met Julien, the place which holds so many memories about them. He can’t read Ryosuke’s mind at all, he doesn’t know if Ryosuke really doesn’t think about Julien or if his boyfriend is just pretending that he is okay so that he is not worrying about him.

Stopping his car in front of the gate of the university, he holds Ryosuke’s hand before he is going out of the car. “Ryosuke… “ the shorter turns at him and studying his face before giving him a soft smile, squeezing his hand in a reassuring manner.

“I’ll be okay, Yuto” Ryosuke says, bringing his hand to his mouth and planting a kiss on it, letting him to know how much he adores him. And it warms his heart, it is… “see you later at home”


But there is a pang of loneliness when Ryosuke’s fingers escape from his hold, and the crack only going deeper as Ryosuke is walking further inside the college, vanishes in between the crowd of the new students. The bad feeling of losing him is too much that all he wants to do at that moment is to get out of his car and catch up with Ryosuke, following and accompanying him the whole day, to make sure that he won’t meet Julien. But is it all right?

Ryosuke will meet Julien sooner or later, with or without him, and doing that… being so crazy protective to Ryosuke, it says something about his insecurity and his trust to Ryosuke. If he does that… Ryosuke will know that he still has a little doubt about his feelings to him, that he thinks Ryosuke still has his heart for Julien. And he doesn’t want to put that in their relationship.

He doesn’t want to make Ryosuke sad because he doesn’t trust him. Doing this, letting Ryosuke go alone, is his way to say that he trusts Ryosuke even though he is also scared as hell of what is going to happen. He trusts Ryosuke, he wants to trust Ryosuke. He wants to trust that Ryosuke will come home to him. That’s the only thing that he wants.

Going back to college after almost a year off is kind of strange for Yamada Ryosuke. There are some things that have changed from his college, as expected from a private and an elite college, they have a lot of money to make the college area even more comfortable and better than before. It’s greener now and the building is freshly painted, the air even smells like paint.

The college is full with a new face, he notices the new students around him are people from Yuto’s life, the rich, the spoilt, the party goers, the kids who go to college because their parents want them to. Well, at least they’re better than him who went to this college and did everything he could do just because he didn’t want to be away from Nakajima Yuto.

When he arrives in the office, the line is already quite long and he gets number 148 while it’s still number 35 that is inside of the office. Based on the staff’s calculation, he needs to wait for around two hours to speak with the college authorities about his case and consult about his schedule the next semester. But it’s boring to wait in the waiting room with a bunch of kids who only see their phones, so he decides to get out and probably gets himself a warm drink in the cafeteria.

He takes a long way around when he walks to the cafeteria on purpose, passing the nice spot near the tennis court that means something for Yuto, it’s the place where he took Yuto to rest when the taller said that he was sick, the place where Yuto kissed him after he knew that he fell for him. He snaps a selfie there, sending it to Yuto and texting ‘let’s go back here when it’s warmer and kiss me when I’m awake?’ with a kissy emoticon after the sentence.

With the phone and his hands in his coat pockets he resumes his walk to the cafeteria, buying a large latte and holding it with both of his gloved yet freezing hands to warm them. He looks around to look for a vacant seat, but his eyes find something else instead, someone else. His ex seems surprised to see him, standing up from his seat as he is walking toward him and bowing his head, “it’s been a while. How are you?” he asked to the professor, sitting on the seat in front of him when the older man offers it.

“I’m fine, thank you. How are you? Are you okay now? I heard from Kawaguchi-san that you got an accident and went back to your parents’ hometown. Are you all right now?” Prof. Yamashita asked, clearly worried about him and he feels a bit guilty that he didn’t reply his mails months ago and at least told him that he was (barely) alive. That time in his life was so dark he didn’t care about anyone’s texts or calls, even if it’s from his kind-hearted ex.

“yeah, totally perfect now” he nods, giving the professor a reassuring smile. “Sorry that I missed your lesson for the whole semester. But you won’t ask me to make-up for those lessons every weekend, right? Come on, cut me some slack” he tries to lighten the mood, stirring the topic away from his accident because he doesn’t want to remember it anymore, it only gives him a suffocating emotions anyway.

The professor laughs as he shakes his head, “no, of course not” he looks at him with that soft gaze that melts anyone, including him, a long time ago. “I’m glad that you’re okay”

“me too” he says.

He talks with the professor for a little bit more after that, asking what is going on in his life and just updating himself about what happened in the life of people he cares about. He answers the man’s question shortly when he asks about his accident, telling him that it was just him slipping and falling from the balcony. Yamashita Tomohisa doesn’t ask more after he tells him that he broke up with Julien, and looks surprised to know that he is back with Yuto. Well, it’s a normal reaction from someone who knows his history with Yuto.

“are you happy now? With Nakajima-kun?” the man asks, his gaze shifts from the cup of the coffee on the table to him.

“I am” he nods twice, “He’s really a good boyfriend. Well, probably not really. We still fight about small things and easily get into arguments, but nothing serious and we definitely make up after that” he laughs, remembering the last time he had a fight with Yuto.

It was about the party, Yuto didn’t want to rent chairs and tables or using a banquet service for their housewarming party, saying that the guests didn’t need to sit so they would get tired easily and go home quickly. What Yuto said was so impolite that he got upset at him and he said ‘oh, so you don’t care about that? In case you forget, my parents will be there and obviously I don’t want them to go home soon. If you don’t like this party just say it and I’ll cancel everything’, then left Yuto alone in the living room to go back to the bedroom and literally kicked the door close behind him.

Yuto came knocking on the door after that, sitting on the edge of the bed where he was curling and pretending that he was sleeping, and saying that he was sorry. Of course he forgave him, but after a moment of ranting and rambling about Yuto’s attitude, about how the taller should really watch it because not everyone had a steel heart and tolerate everything that he said. He was being a bit… controlling at that time and he knew that, but it’s for Yuto’s own good and someone should say it to him so he would understand which one was okay and which one was not.

“it’s good to hear” the older man smiles, noticing how Ryosuke’s face glows when he talks about Yuto. It’s just like years ago when the younger broke up with Nakajima Yuto, Ryosuke always said that he hated Yuto but he was so full of spirit whenever he talked about him.

Talking with prof. Yamashita like this always makes Ryosuke to wonder of why he couldn’t be in love with him. He cares about him and he is grateful of what the man did for him, helping him with his Yuto situation back then and handling him maturely. Hell, Yamashita Tomohisa wasn’t even mad when he broke up with him for Julien, and their relationship never changes after, they can still talk normally like now without any hard feelings. Meanwhile when he broke up with Yuto… he and Yuto totally made it a mess, and it was so damn childish. Seeing the professor… it makes him thinking if he can do what the man does, handling a break up maturely and calmly.

Can he be like the professor and speak with someone he once truly loved normally?

Can he even look at Julien in the eye without feeling like he is being suffocated?

He doesn’t know.

Yamada Ryosuke comes back to the office just in time before his name is called. He files some papers about resuming his study in the college and listening to the office staff’s explanation about the credits he has to take the next semester if he wants to catch up with his friends and finish college in four years. The schedule is packed and to be honest he doesn’t think he can do it well if he has to take so many lessons in a year, it’s impossible to do with his limited brain capacity.

So he decides to just take normal credits which will make him to be one year late to graduate than the others, including Yuto. It’s better to do that rather than forcing himself to catch up and failing later. It means that he has to think of some way to pay for that one year though, since his parents’ money only covers four years of his study. But well, he will somehow find a way to pay for that, maybe by asking for more hours of work shift in the bookstore and save the money from now on.

The clock on his phone shows 12:30 when he checks it for Yuto’s reply of his earlier text while walking outside the office and heading to the station. He smiles when he reads ‘sure. I’ll kiss you there and don’t ask me to stop then’ from Yuto then scrolls down to see the picture of Yuto getting bored in a lounge of a hotel, saying ‘and Mom takes me along for her lunch appointment with some bigwigs in the company after the souvenir shopping, can you believe that? It’s boring!’.

Yamada Ryosuke chuckles upon reading Yuto’s complaint and picture. Recently, Yuto’s mom often asked Yuto to tag along in meetings and social gathering, and even though she didn’t say it directly to Yuto he knows that Mrs Nakajima wanted to introduce Yuto to the working world. Because after all, Yuto will be her and Mr Nakajima’s apprentice after Yuto graduated from university. Yuto always said that he was bored when he was in meetings before, but this time Yuto looks really tired and wants to bolt out of the meeting. And people, this is where he should be a good boyfriend and intercept.

'you will be in your mom’s position soon. Pay attention and learn. I’m counting on you, future boss

Ps: yes, this is me totally asking for work in your company after graduating. So get a grip! It won’t happen if you’re not the boss!

fine. But it’s only because the image of you working with me seems really appealing. Oh those future office sex

damn it, Yuto. Don’t say that. Now I can’t erase the image of you bending me over an office table! Concentrate on the meeting! I’m out of here. See you at home.

But… maybe bend me over the study table later?

Now you want me to concentrate? How the hell that’s going to happen? Fuck, Ryosuke… I swear bending you over a table will be the first thing I’ll do to you later

Ryosuke chuckles as he is chatting with Yuto, and as much as he wants to keep texting his lover he doesn’t do that because Yuto is in a lunch meeting with his mom and some bigwigs and it’ll be really impolite if Yuto keeps checking his phone and texting with him. “good luck there, Yuto” he whispers, looking at the picture Yuto sent him earlier and praying that his lover at least won’t offend the people in the meeting and keep his polite act until the end.

He slips his phone back to his thick coat’s pocket and about to make a left turn past the entrance gate when his step is halted upon seeing a familiar motor bike blocking his way. His heart is racing, hammering against his chest, he is praying and saying ‘not now’ but it’s useless because nothing can change this.

“Ryosuke” his voice spells his name and he cannot breathe. Listening to his voice over the phone is one thing, but hearing him calling his name this close, in real… it’s not the same.

The engine of the bike stops and even without lifting his gaze from the ground he knows that Julien is getting down from his black Ducati and coming closer to him. Everything is messed up, his thoughts and mind are so messed up right now, and he can’t decide whether he wants to stay or run away. But his body has decides, he cannot move his legs… he can only see his feet in the black boots are nailed on the ground, then another pair of boots is right in front of them.

“Ryosuke” he takes a sharp inhale of cold winter air when Julien holds his face, lifting it up to look at him. But he is so stupid. He closes his eyes because he desperately wants this to be just an imagination, that it’s not real. He is so stupid that he thinks he can convince himself just that by closing his eyes tightly.

“it’s really you” Julien says, sounds sad and relieved at the same time. And he doesn’t know why… he doesn’t know why it hurts so much that he feels tears welling up behind his closed eyelids.

Ryosuke almost breaks into a cry when Julien pulls him into his arms and he smells his scent, that nostalgic scent of him that he loved so much, the scent that brings so many good memories. Julien tightens his embrace, snuggling to his hair and breathing into it just like him who is clinging onto his chest as the tears finally rolls down his cheeks, so warm yet painful.

“oh God, Ryosuke” Julien’s voice cracks, but he keeps saying his name like he is afraid that he’s gonna forget how to spell it, and it only makes him to sob even more on his chest.

It hurts so much.

It still hurts so much…

Why does it still hurt so much?

Why can’t the pain just be gone with that one word they said to each other in the hospital months ago?

Why can’t it end with a ‘goodbye’?

The longing, the regret, the love, the pain… everything are mixed up into one black hole of bittersweet feelings in Ryosuke’s heart. He does nothing to fight it, because it’s impossible to deny that he still has lingering feelings for Julien, that he still feels so comfortable within his arms…

Their eyes are red and swollen when they break the hug and look at each other’s face for the first time after months, those months they both spent in hell of missing each other and regretting everything yet knowing that they couldn’t be together, they shouldn’t be…

Ryosuke touches Julien’s face, brushing his thumb over the tear tracks on the guy’s cheek, letting his hand stay there for a moment and feel him. Just how many times he dreamt of this, to see him and touch him again… the emotions twist his heart as those blue eyes staring at him, conveying thousand words that Julien can’t say.

“come with me” Julien holds his hand when he is about to take it off his face, his big warm hand covers his small one. “come with me, Ryosuke”


“don’t say no. Just come with me, please…“

He doesn’t know what to think, what to say or what to do. His heart is a huge mess of tangled strings and he can’t figure out anything. He knows he should not do this, he can’t do this to Yuto. Yuto is waiting for him to come home. He promised him that he will come home…

“Ryosuke?” Julien calls his name, offering him a spare helmet for him to wear, his helmet.

He looks up at Julien, wondering why he still keeps that and Julien only answers his question with a pair of hurtful eyes, one that reminds him of that day when Julien broke up with him in the hospital. It’s like they’re still there, it’s like they’ve never left that hospital room and the pain is just washing over them again and again, never-ending…

Slowly, his hand stretches out to take the helmet, the same one that Julien asked him to put on that day they met for the first time and ever since became his own special helmet that Julien never lend to anyone. He takes it and hops on the bike behind Julien as the memories start flooding his brain and heart, blinding him. The engine roars but it sounds so far away, beaten by the sound of his beating heart as his hands circle around Julien’s waist tightly, pressing his chest on Julien’s back.

The bike jumps into the road and he closes his eyes…

He doesn’t care where Julien is going to take him.

a/n: Can we say that Ryosuke is being a jerk to Yuto? Or Julien being a jerk to Yuto? And for the first time in this fic, Yuto is the victim XD


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