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[personal profile] yurikamome19
Title: The Other End Of The Red String

Author: [livejournal.com profile] yurikamome19

Pairing: YutoYama, YamaxOC/MC

Rating: pg-13

Genre: AU, BL, romance, kinda angst

Three times.

Yamada Ryosuke has fallen in love three times in his life. The first was to a girl when he was still in middle school, he fell hard yet it didn’t work out because she only thought him as an accessory that she could show off to everyone. The heartbreak broke him apart, which led him to think that it was better if he was never in love again, that playing around without any string attached was a way better lifestyle to avoid that aching pain.

But love came anyway, out of the blue like a lightning in a sunny day when he was not prepared. And again… he fell hard although he should have known better about the consequences of falling in love, he should have known better for he had a taste of love and that bitter pill of broken heart before. He fell hard despite all of that, despite him knowing that he fell in love with the wrong person. He got his heart broken for the second time, by Nakajima Yuto, and it was so hard. It was not easy for him to accept the fact that Yuto didn’t love him, that all of those times they were together Yuto only thought of him as sex friend. It was difficult. It almost killed him.

The third love that he had was carved into his heart like water currents streaming onto a rock and eroding it until it created a rock-cut basin. He could feel it, every single moment when his heart was touched by the affection and love that the person gave yet he didn’t know it until it was too deep and he couldn’t ignore it anymore. The love he had with Julien… it was different from those two love he had experienced before. Julien was amazing, sweet and charming, and the most important thing… Julien loved him with all of his heart.

There were a lot of night when he looked at Julien’s face and had no doubt that they would be together forever, that Julien was his one true love and the pain that he felt before he met Julien was to prepare him so he could appreciate the sweet love that he had with Julien, so that he knew the difference between love and true love.

But again… he was hurt.

He loved Julien so much yet they were in two different places. They wanted two different things and he couldn’t stand to keep staying with him and trying to adjust with his life. He couldn’t bend himself to fit in, to be someone that Julien wanted him to be, but he also didn’t want to beg Julien to be with him, to choose him over anything, over the things that made him him. They couldn’t meet halfway…

And the breakup… it killed him.

That day in summer… he was broken, shattered beyond saving. He was dead inside… and he chose to make it all to just stop. That day in summer… the heartbreak killed him.

It was that deep… his love to Julien… it was so deep that he didn’t want to live for another day in the world where Julien and him were worlds apart. He just didn’t want that. It hurt so bad and he wanted to make it all stop.

Love is dangerous for him, it can make him to do a lot of stupid things, Yamada Ryosuke has known about that since he had his first love. But heartbreak… heartbreak is poison for him. Heartbreak darkened his heart, killing him in silence before it ripped his soul and mind apart. It was always like that…

So tell him what should he do when his greatest love was standing there, his eyes were promising a penance of everything he had done? Tell him how to mute the whispers that Julien would make all the pain go away? Like it never happened at all? Tell him how to say no to someone who made him madly and deeply in love?

There was not even a choice for him, he knew that he wanted to go with Julien. Even if he couldn’t figure out what he wanted from Julien or what the latter wanted from him. His brain couldn’t think, it was empty. So he only followed his heart.

Yamada Ryosuke really misses this.

He really misses the feeling of the wind on his face, cold and prickly, contrasting with the warmth that Julien’s broad back gives him. He always felt so secure whenever Julien took him for a ride, even if the guy was speeding up and it was fast and scary. It still doesn’t change… being with him, just holding him like this… he feels like he doesn’t have to be afraid of anything. The scenery changes so fast around him, but he can only see his and Julien’s memories passing his mind in a fast-forward, making him to start questioning himself again where he did it wrong… how could he and Julien come to this?

How could they fall apart?

The thoughts come back to him, those thoughts that were torturing and destroying him for months, the very thoughts that he did his best to let go. Everything comes back and it hurts like a new wound…

He doesn’t like this… it’s like everything that he did in those months to move on doesn’t mean anything, like his efforts is all meaningless, like the tears and the pain has always been there, just lurking in the dark and waiting to come up to the surface and ambush him. He hates this because it feels like he is cheated by himself, and he hates it more because it means that what Yuto did to help him doesn’t change anything much.

He hates that… he hates the feeling that he is hurting Nakajima Yuto, even without him knowing… he hates feeling like this toward Julien because there is someone in his life already, someone who is important to him…

“why are we here?” he asks to Julien, although the answer has tugged a string in his heart a moment before when Julien drove in the parking lot of the Disney resort, his mind is playing a memory of one day in the beginning of summer break.

They made a promise that summer… Julien promised him that he would take him to Disneyland, just the two of them, before everything went down to the ground and broke apart along with him.

“I promised you this back then”

And Julien still remembers…

The wound in his heart grows larger, ripping him apart as words are haunting his mind. If only… if only you did this that summer… we might have been

Yamada Ryosuke shakes his head, reminding himself that he can’t go back to ‘if only’ and ‘what if’. He can’t torture himself with those thoughts anymore.

“it’s too late now, Julien. I don’t… “ he stops in the middle of the sentence, the tears is threatening to come back and the words is stuck in his throat, burning it like a lava. “I don’t want this anymore”

I don’t want you

I should not want you

“I know” Julien says, pain is swimming in his lonely blue eyes. “I know that it doesn’t matter to you anymore. But let me do this… if it’s not for the promise we made, then let it be as my birthday present”

“Julien… “

“just this one day, Ryosuke… “ Julien pleaded, his voice breaks his heart and so he turns his eyes away from his face, hoping that it will lessen the pain. “you can come back to him later, but now… right now, I want you to forget him”

It’s so hard… it’s so hard for him when he picks up anguish and bitterness in Julien’s sentence. Julien knows that he is with Yuto, and he doesn’t know why his heart feels this kind of emotions… he doesn’t know why he feels guilty that he is with Yuto, he doesn’t know why he feels like he is cheated on Julien and hurting him. It is so wrong.

“I’ve missed you… I’ve wanted to see you for so long and I – “ Julien stops, his voice cracks and his breath trembles. “don’t ask me to let you go this fast” he takes his gloved hand, and seeing their hands touching each other… it’s nothing but hurt like thousand needles on his heart.

“okay” he finally says, but agreeing to it is like drinking another glass of needles. It just hurts him more because he shouldn’t do this… he shouldn’t do something that will make Yuto sad. “just for this one time” Julien lets out a tiny relieved smile that only turns sour when he takes his hand away from his grip.

He cannot do this. Not to himself, and not to Yuto, he knows…

But… but only for this one time…

They don’t speak a single word when they’re buying the tickets and going inside the amusement park that is vibrant with colors and smiles. Ryosuke is wondering what people are thinking of them when they see how gloomy their expressions are despite of entering a place that should make them happy. Maybe they think that they both are two strangers that just coincidentally walking very close to each other, because they do oozing the same atmosphere.

He wants to stop being awkward. He wants to deal with this like an adult, like how prof. Yamashita hanging out with him earlier, their conversation was like fluid, going so naturally. He wants to be like that, but how can he smile or act normal at time like this? He is going here with an ex that he loved so deep, the guy that can still make him to feel various emotions, complicated emotions, that he can’t even begin to sort off. How can he deal with it if he doesn’t even know where he is standing?

“Ryosuke” Julien calls his name as he grabs a piece of his coat, staying away from his hand because of his clear refusal earlier. He turns around and looks up at him, Julien is trying to smile when he asks, “wanna buy some gears first? You always loved wander around covered in many Disney stuffs and eating the cookies while lining up for the attraction. You still like it, right?”

Old memories flash around in his eyes, of him and Julien having a blast playing and fooling around in the park. Sweet memories that has turned bittersweet… “yeah. I still do” he says, trying to curl his lips to form a smile but it fails.

The cheery mood is in the air, filling every corner of the souvenir store and lying on every customer’s face as they happily pick some things to buy or to wear for their stay in the park. Parents buy their kids blankets and stuffed toys, couples buy matched headbands, and friends are fooling around together taking pictures. He and Julien… they don’t fit to any of those categories. They are not friends, and certainly not a couple, not anymore… and it just hurts him to see everyone happy. He is hurt because it reminds him and Julien when they were just two people in love.

He stays away from the gears corner, walking to the snacks aisle and thinking about buying cookies and chocolates because he has not eaten lunch yet and meeting Julien sucked all of his energy so he is starving, he has to eat something. He is in the middle of checking some chocolates in cute tin can with Disney’s characters printed on it when a pair of arms envelopes his body from the back, covering his shoulders and head with a hooded blanket.

Julien turns his body around, “this looks good on you” he says. He is checking his face and honestly making him to feel a bit feverish. Julien pulls down the hood only to fix a Mickey mouse beanie hat on his head, his fingers linger a little bit too long on his face and it doesn’t help him to take control of his body and stop all of this.

“I’ll wear this one” Julien puts on a Minnie mouse beanie hat on himself, his fingers leave his face and he hates to admit that a part of himself is missing his touch. “you find the snacks you want to bring yet?”

“um, yeah” he nods, turning his back around to the snack shelf behind him and take some things randomly. He doesn’t care what he takes, he can’t think of anything but why? Why Julien is doing all of this? He is confused. He doesn’t know what to think of this… charade he pulls. They are not lovers anymore, Julien cannot act like they still are and confusing him.

They walk inside the park after paying for the things that they buy, Julien insisted to pay for them but he insisted harder and said that he would pay for the things on him, and the snacks. He didn’t want to owe him anything because again… they were not lovers anymore. Julien and him are lining up for the most famous attraction first, the coaster, in the same awkward mood that follow them since they stepped foot in the resort. Or maybe it’s just him. Julien seems like he is happy that they are here together. He seems like… grateful for the time that they are spending together.

It’s hard to breathe when he feels Julien is staring at him. He knows that Julien is staring even if he is trying to look busy eating cookies from a tin can, doing whatever he can so he doesn’t feel tempted to look back at him and feel all kind of bitter emotions that make him sad and miserable. His gaze feels like drilling into his skull and it makes him really conscious about his presence.

“are you not tired?” Julien asked after around 30 minutes they’re lining up for the ride. They can already see the end of the line, it’s probably about a minute more that they’ll finally get to ride the attraction.

He looks up at Julien, silently thankful that they’re in a cave-like place and the lighting is dim so he feels slightly comfortable to glance at him. “no. I’m okay”

“good” Julien smiles like what he has said is everything that he wants to hear. “I was so worried about you, Ryosuke. There’s no single day that passed without me thinking of you and praying for you”

The tears burn his eyes again when Julien says that, and to see his expression is filled with regret… it’s just too much. “I know. Thank you” that’s all he can say.

The love that they had was real, so he knows that even though they broke up and separated and didn’t see each other Julien never had a day of peace and he was still thinking of him. And that… it’s just the same as him.

“you have no idea how much I’m glad that I see you… in one piece, back on your feet” Julien didn’t plan to meet Ryosuke today, he didn’t stalk him or Yuto. He was in college because he failed some of the lessons last year when life was hard and he broke up with Ryosuke, he was there to re-take the lessons he failed.

It was a complete coincidence that he was in the college to process his own schedule and it was luck that he saw Ryosuke’s name on the list of the college consultant’s list. He thought that he wouldn’t be able to meet him though. The college was so big and new students swarmed the place… it was not easy to find Ryosuke. Then when he did… it felt like a miracle. It felt like they still had that connection, that they still had string connecting both of them.

“you shouldn’t think of me that much. It’s not good. You don’t look like you’re eating well” Ryosuke says, looks concerned because Julien seems skinnier than the last time he saw him. He wonders if he didn’t eat much and just drinking or smoking weeds or taking drugs for months.

“how could you still care about people that hurt you still amaze me, Yamada Ryosuke” Julien shakes his head while Ryosuke is basically speechless that he just outed his feelings and probably leading Julien on, like he gives him hope or something. He doesn’t want to give Julien a false hope about their relationship. But… does he?

And as if Julien can read his mind, he explains, “I’m eating all right, I guess. I’m standing in front of you all well, right? I don’t eat weeds if you’re worrying about that”

“good then” he shifts his eyes from Julien’s face back to the darkness that is the ground. He can’t see him for it makes him even more confused about his own feelings, and he can’t do that…

The line is moving steadily, the people in front of them getting in the coaster as the staff’s cheery voice keeps instructing about something that he cannot hear because only Julien’s voice that goes in his ear. “thank you”

“for what” he doesn’t lift his eye up to see him, just his voice whispers at him in the dark.

“for worrying about me although I don’t deserve that” Julien’s answer is as sad and bitter as when he said that they had to break up months ago in the hospital. He can feel Julien’s regret like it is his own…

Yamada Ryosuke stays silent while the staff instructing them to move and to jump in the coaster, making sure that they have their safety restraint put securely. He doesn’t speak when the coaster starts to move slowly inside the dark cave and the sound of water splashing is echoing on the walls, but he does just before the coaster makes its first jump. “you don’t get to decide whether you deserve a piece of my mind or not. I get to decide that”

He cannot help himself if he still cares about Julien, after everything that he did, after all that pain that he inflicted, after their painful break up and months of mourning the end of their relationship and the fact that he could do nothing to save it. He cannot help himself…

He cannot help himself if he still cares about him.

He cannot help himself if a part of him still loves him.

It’s voicemail again.

Nakajima Yuto doesn’t know how many times he has called Yamada Ryosuke’s cell phone since this afternoon when he didn’t find Ryosuke at their home. He called him again and again, and he always found himself listening to Ryosuke’s voice that asked him to leave a voicemail. He called Kawaguchi Haruna, asking her if Ryosuke was hanging out there, but she said that Ryosuke wasn’t there. He called the bookstore, wondering if the manager suddenly asked him to work… but he was not there either. The night sky outside his window seems a hundred shades darker than usual as bad feelings looming inside his heart, spreading color as black as the sky.

He lets himself falling onto the round air bed in the balcony, doesn’t mind the cold winter wind biting his skin underneath the v-neck black sweater he has on his body. White freckles starts to fall from the sky, cold against his cheek and rolls down to his ear like tears when it melts. His mind is empty, his heart is as numb and cold as ice when he thinks of why Ryosuke doesn’t come home. The answer is there, laying beneath layer after layer of lies he feeds himself, lies that Ryosuke loves him and not Julien. Yeah… he has no doubt that Ryosuke is with him.

There is no hope… Ryosuke will just choose Julien again, a whisper pours despair in his heart. It is seeping like a poison, spreading quick and making him numb rather than feeling sad. He just lies there, staring at the starless sky while hugging close his misery.

It needs a hard slap from his conscience for him to shake himself out of his self-pity. It’s stupid. Drowning in the sadness of losing Ryosuke to Julien… it’s stupid. He cannot lose Ryosuke in the first place, especially not to Julien who will just drag Ryosuke into the pit of hell and kill him slowly. He won’t… he won’t let Ryosuke to go back to him. He will force him back here if he has to. Anything so that Ryosuke will not get hurt again by Julien or by himself.

He is about to get the key of his Audi and go to Julien’s house to punch Julien in the face for sweet talking Ryosuke into going back with him and dragging Ryosuke out of there when the land phone is ringing from inside his mansion. He internally curses as he stomps back to get the call which is from the concierge, “this is Hamada from the lobby, Nakajima-san. Yamada-san has arrived with his friend” the staff said, informing him about Yamada Ryosuke because he told the man to do so after Ryosuke didn’t receive his phone calls or reply his texts for hours.

“what friend?” he asks through his gritted teeth. He knows the answer. He can feel Julien’s presence even before the lobby staff answers him.

“a guy that looks like a foreigner”

He is right.

Yamada Ryosuke is with his ex, doing who knows what with the guy that he didn’t even have time or decency to say something to him. And now Ryosuke comes back here with him?! For what? So Julien can rub it in his face that he can take Ryosuke back with him?

Nakajima Yuto is blinded by rage and jealousy when he storms out of the apartment, turning left in the hallway to use the communal lift to get to the lobby, punching the button to open the damn door as soon as it arrives in the first floor. He walks past the concierge desk and the loyal Hamada, his hands are fisted and his nails are digging into his palms when he sees Yamada Ryosuke and Julien. He pushes the revolving door, meeting Julien’s surprised eyes before Ryosuke turns at him and touches his arm to explain.

But he doesn’t need an explanation. He understands what is happening and he knows exactly what he wants to do. Maybe picking a fight with someone who has years of experience with martial arts is not a good idea, but he does it anyway and punches Julien across his face, right in front of Ryosuke. He is so mad. Julien promised that he would not do anything with Ryosuke anymore, he swore that he would not poison his mind again and now what? He thought he could waltz back into Ryosuke’s life, into HIS and Ryosuke’s life, just like that?

He is so angry at Julien. Probably he is angry at him just so he can escape a little bit from the pain, from his misery that he doesn’t win Ryosuke’s heart. Maybe he is mad at Julien because he is jealous that the guy still has Ryosuke wrapped around his finger, playing with his heart and trapping him with sweet promises. Maybe it’s all of that… he doesn’t know. He is just so enraged only by looking at Julien’s face that is only has a drop of blood on the corner of his lips after he punched him.

Julien doesn’t punch him back, he doesn’t even make an expression like he is in pain which makes him even more upset that Julien isn’t hurt enough. He takes a step forward to take another punch when Ryosuke stands in front of him, holding on his chest and shaking his head with a horrified and begging looks. And he hates to see it. He hates to see that Ryosuke doesn’t want him to hurt Julien. He hates to see that Ryosuke cares so much about Julien and Ryosuke doesn’t even see that he is hurting too, that his heart is bleeding to see his eyes pleading for his mercy for Julien’s sake.

Ryosuke still loves Julien and it’s unbearable. He loves him this much yet Ryosuke still loves Julien. He gives Ryosuke everything but Ryosuke still betrays him anyway…

He is too hurt.

He is too mad.

He is too deep into his own pain that he says the things that he doesn’t mean to say, the word that he shouldn't say “get the fuck away, slut”

Yamada Ryosuke’s face breaks in shock, disappointment and sadness as he feels his hands that are on his chest and blocking him from landing another hit to his partner, slowly falling to his sides. A part of his heart is regretting the words that he spilled, but he is too angry and prideful to say sorry.

“what the fuck did you just call him?! You fucking asshole!” Julien’s fist meets his face hard that his head is ringing for several seconds, the ache is burning yet it’s just an ounce of the pain that he feels in his heart. “I thought you’ve changed, Nakajima Yuto. But I guess I’m wrong. You don’t deserve him”

Yuto scoffs, glaring back at Julien, “who the fuck are you to say that to me?!” he launches forward, wanting to crash his fist to Julien but unfortunately he is not a match for the guy who spends his Sunday in a krav maga gym. He is easily dodged and another blow hits his face, harder than the first one, making him to fall on the ground like a leaves.

“who are you to say that to him? Ryosuke deserves a lot better than you. He deserves someone who worships him and honors him. That person is not you” Julien looks down on Yuto, holding himself not to beat him again because the concierge and the security inside the building start to wonder what is going on outside. He doesn’t want to make a scene more than this and he wants to get Ryosuke out of here as fast as possible.

“come on, Ryosuke” his hand takes Ryosuke’s gloved right hand, dragging him down the steps to his motor bike so they can go far away from Yuto. Ryosuke doesn’t look at him, his gaze is downward to the ground as if he wants to time how many seconds until the snow melts on it. He holds Ryosuke’s face, about to help him wearing the helmet when Ryosuke takes a step back from him. “love…”

“I’m sick of all of this” Ryosuke says, the shock and disappointment in his eyes getting deeper and flaming in anger.

Julien has never seen Ryosuke like this, crushed and tired… “baby… “

“don’t call me that. Just stop!” Ryosuke swats Julien’s hand that is trying to hold his, “It’s enough. I’ve got enough of this… nonsense and pain and stupidity. It’s enough! I hate both of you. All you can do is ruin my life and messing with my fucking heart”

Yamada Ryosuke is sick of everything. He is sick of being disappointed, he is sick of getting hurt, he is sick of trusting his heart to people who never understand him. He is tired of giving his heart to Yuto and Julien only to get it broken and shattered again and again! His life was not as complicated as this before. This is all because of them! He is so mad. He is so mad at their self-centered stupid asses!

“you” Ryosuke points at Julien, “how dare you deciding who deserves me and who doesn’t? How dare you say something about caring and honoring while you didn’t see that I was hurting, that I was dying right beside you! And you what? Choosing your…. damn shitty lifestyle than me?! You did that and you still talking about honoring me? You still have the nerve to decide anything in my life? What the fuck are you talking about?!”

His body feels so hot with anger and his head… everything is messy in his head and it hurts. “and you! He stabs at Yuto’s face in the air, pointing at him as if he can directly hurt him. “I’m a slut? You called me a slut?” Ryosuke scoffs, his breath is starting to get crazy because of rage and he takes a deep inhale before he continues.

“right. Of course I’m a slut. I’m a manipulative bitch ever since we met and everything I said to you was a lie. Then everything you did was just because you and your stupid pride didn’t wanna lose from Julien. Is that it? Am I right? Whatever, Yuto. I don’t fucking care about you anymore” he is too hurt right now and he can’t think of anything but bad things in his head. Everything is bad, worse, and worst things in his mind and he… it tortures him. It only makes him more upset and enraged.

“You know what? You two can go fuck each other’s life but leave me out of it. Go to the fucking hell and burn there!” he shouts at both Yuto and Julien, turning around his body and walking fast through the front yard of the apartment building, passing the fountain in the middle of it and heading straight toward the road. He doesn’t know where he should be going, but he knows one thing; he doesn’t want to be there and he wants to stay so far away from those jerks.

Watching Ryosuke’s back walking out from him in the middle of the snowy night splinters Yuto’s heart. Seeing how Ryosuke looked so hurt when he screamed at his face earlier hurting him more but it doesn’t make the rage and raw jealousy in his heart to go down either. He is still mad at Ryosuke for going with Julien to who knows where doing who knows what, he is still so mad about that. But he… he doesn’t want Ryosuke to go alone in the midnight when he is upset like that.

God knows what Ryosuke will do when he is like that, bad decisions or worse… there are only those two choices in Ryosuke’s head when he is mad and he doesn’t want Ryosuke to make everything more complicated than this. He already feels like he is getting crazy because he hates Ryosuke for betraying him but he is still deeply in love with him right now. He doesn’t want Ryosuke to make him even more insane by running off to the night and making him so worried of what he is going to do.

Meanwhile, Julien has the same thought about it. Yamada Ryosuke loves to run off and does stupid things when he is mad, all to numb the irritating feelings or pain in his heart so he doesn’t have to deal with it. Who knows what crazy nonsense that his negative mind is feeding him with at this very moment, and that scares him… because he knows Ryosuke very well and he knows that if he lets him go tonight then he will lose him forever.

Julien runs after Ryosuke first, a split second before Yuto getting his ass off the marble floor of the apartment’s entrance to catch up with Ryosuke too, ignoring the throbbing pain in his face from Julien’s punches when the cold air blows on the wound. Ryosuke can hear Julien calling his name and two sets of feet stomping on the grass of the yard behind him, but he doesn’t stop and ignores them. He is so tired of all of this and he doesn’t want to hear anything from them anymore.

Ryosuke almost bumps into Julien’s chest when the guy suddenly stands tall and strong in front of him like a wall. “don’t fucking touch me!” Ryosuke shouts at Julien at the lattter’s attempt to calm him by holding his arm. Oh no, he won’t let him fall for his trick anymore!

He turns around to get away from Julien who is blocking his damn way, but behind him, standing few feet away from where he is standing is Nakajima Yuto, and he doesn’t seem like he has any intention to let him pass either. “get the fuck away, you jerk!”

“I’m the jerk now? Then what about you, Ryosuke? What about you who was all over him and went with him for the whole day?! What about you?!” Yuto knows he shouldn’t get mad at Ryosuke, it just fuels Ryosuke’s rage and he knows that he should make reconciliation with Ryosuke as his priority so Ryosuke won’t go anywhere and do something stupid. He knows all about that but his stupid mouth doesn’t want to listen and he spills his pain and blaming Ryosuke for everything.

“I did NOTHING with him!” Ryosuke’s shout slices the cold air, it echoes back to his ears and makes his head to hurt even more.

“nothing?! How the fuck can I believe that? You may as well lying in front of my face right now! How can I know?!”

“Well, newsflash! That’s how trust works! You don’t know if what I say is the truth but you gotta believe me anyway! You have to believe that everything that I say is true. Because it is! I’m so fucking sorry if I’m still swayed by my feelings to Julien, that he still can mess with my head and heart, or that I still care about him. It’s what I do! I can’t help it! But it doesn’t mean that what I said to you was a lie. But I guess you never believed it, right? You never trusted me when I said that I was falling for you. All of those times…. You thought that I was lying right to your face” Ryosuke shakes his head, chuckling shortly like crazy person.

“then fine! Just think like that about me because I don’t care anymore. You can think that everything we had was just me trying to use you, me manipulating you and playing with you or being a slut, or… whatever! Here, take everything back, asshole!” Ryosuke says as he takes off the scarf from around his neck and the gloves from his hands, throwing them at Yuto’s face because they’re his and he borrowed it from him this morning. He also takes off his coat, Yuto’s coat, and tossing it on Yuto’s feet.

“I really thought we would have something good together. But I guess it’s better to know this now, that you don’t trust me, than later when I fall too deep for you. I’m so fucking regretting that I let myself deluded that we’re meant to be. Fuck fate! Fuck you! Fuck everything! I hope you choke on this” and the last… Ryosuke throws the ring on Yuto’s chest, it bounces and lands somewhere on the grass in the yard.

It’s a lot to process.

Yamada Ryosuke’s long ramble is a lot to process for Nakajima Yuto. And honestly… honestly he forgot why they’re fighting in the first place after he saw how dejected Ryosuke looked when he said, or nuanced, that everything he said to him was true… about Ryosuke falling in love with him. Gosh, he was too mad to forget about that feeling when Ryosuke said that to him for the first time. He was too upset that he forgot the way Ryosuke stared at his face when he said that… God he is so stupid. He is so fucking stupid for making his own conclusion and getting mad at Ryosuke before he could even say his part of the story. He is so fucking stupid!

On the other hand, Julien who could only stand by when Ryosuke and Yuto were fighting and screaming at each other in the middle of the night realizes that Yamada Ryosuke is not in love with him anymore. He knows Ryosuke… he knows the expression Ryosuke made when he was head over heels toward him, but now… now he can’t find it anywhere. Ryosuke probably still has feelings for him, just like what he said, but Ryosuke is not in love with him anymore…

Yuto, who has snapped from his stupid nonsense rage, is about to run after Ryosuke when the latter coming back at him while cursing loudly. Then before he can understand what is going on and why Ryosuke is going back, Ryosuke is kneeling down on the ground. “fuck. fuck. fuck” Ryosuke curses like a mantra as he is rummaging in the grass with his bare hands for something, for the ring…

Ryosuke’s hands are getting red and dirty in an instant, freezing at the contact of icy grass and soil. “fuck! fuck!” he curses. He curses because he is so stupid and he doesn’t want to lose that fucking ring and now he is making himself looking like a fool for wanting the ring back after he threw it at Yuto and said that he didn’t want it.

His fingers feel like they’re going numb and he feels like his head is crashed with a huge ice block, he feels so sick in the stomach and – “Ryosuke, stop” A pair of hands as cold as his holds both of his wrists, taking his hands off from the ground and it’s strange that a second later he feels the warmth spreading to the tips of his freezing fingers.

“I hate you. I hate you so much” he says to Nakajima Yuto, but his voice has lost its power and poison because Yuto is staring at him and looking so remorseful. “I fucking hate you”

“I know. I know…. And I’m so sorry” Yuto wraps his arms around Ryosuke, only to get pushed away because Ryosuke is still so mad at him. And he doesn’t blame him for that…

“get the fuck away from me” Ryosuke’s voice trembles just like his body which has nothing but a long-sleeved thick light gray t-shirt covering it. The snow falls down on his clothes, making a round black pattern on it.

“no. I won’t. You can say that you hate me a million times, I deserve that, but I won’t get away from you. EVER” Yuto holds Ryosuke’s wrists harder, restraining him from going anywhere while Ryosuke is doing his best to escape him.

“I don’t want to see your face! I just need that fucking ring and I’ll go the fuck away from your life”

“Ryosuke, please… please don’t say that” Nothing hurts more than hearing those words from Ryosuke, that he hates him and that he wants nothing to do with him and his life. It hurts… it hurts because he hates the idea of living without Ryosuke. How can he live without him?

“Ryosuke…” Julien interrupts their fight, squatting beside them and turning Ryosuke’s attention at him, holding a closed hand at Ryosuke. “here, I found it” the guy opens his palm and there it is, the ring that represents his and Ryosuke’s vow to be together, to love each other...

He releases Ryosuke’s hands so he can take the ring back, his heart can’t help but rejoicing because Ryosuke cherishes the ring that much although he has said something awful and hurt him earlier. How stupid he was for thinking that Ryosuke didn’t mean anything that he said… he was so stupid…

Julien touches the small of Ryosuke’s back, rubbing it softly like he is trying to calm down a baby’s cry “now get up and wear your coat, or Yuto’s… whatever. Wear it and – “ But his sentence is cut midway because Ryosuke suddenly throws up, surprising Yuto but not him… not really.

“Ryosuke?” Yuto is holding on Ryosuke’s body, touching his face and cursing when he feels that Ryosuke is burning up.

“he has a slight fever. I’ve brought him to a clinic already and he had some pills but clearly it didn’t work, especially after everything” Julien explains rather calmly because Yuto looks like he is about to kill him right now.

And yeah, Yuto would have smacked Julien on the face if only he didn’t have Ryosuke leaning weak on his chest, breathing heavily and groaning in pain lowly. “why the fuck you didn’t mention that earlier?!” but now he can only say that because Ryosuke needs an immediate attention.

“I’m gross. Put me back down” Ryosuke mumbles that when Yuto is picking him up to his arms although some of his clothes got splashed by his vomit.

“not the first time I saw you throwing up” Yuto answers, glancing at Ryosuke who is looking at him with his tired eyes as his consciousness is fading away. “I love you in sick or in health, Yamada Ryosuke. Hush now, let’s go back home”

Ryosuke’s fingers clutch on Yuto’s shirt, right where his heart is beating, the ring is kept in that hand and he doesn’t plan to let it go. Everything is swaying and spinning but he feels like he is going to be all right. He knows he is going to be okay although he is slipping away to the darkness. He is going to be fine, because he is home already.

However, it’s not for long that Ryosuke is in that peaceful darkness, it’s only for a minute or so and he is going back to the real world and the real pain in his head all because of the sound of Yuto shouting at Julien. “why the fuck are you following me? Get the hell away from here or I’ll get the security drag your ass out of here” Yuto stops right before he walks through the revolving door to get inside the building, asking Julien to leave because it’s irritating just to see his face. Everything is his fault anyway!

“no” Julien answer is short and determined. And gosh he hates that face of him! Julien still has a nerve to wear that face as if he is not at fault of everything that happened between him and Ryosuke. He hates it!

“what the – “

“Yuto… “ Ryosuke’s weak and hoarse voice stops Yuto from letting out more curse, making his expression to switch from an angry guy to a tender lover, “don’t shout. My head hurts…”

“I’m sorry. It’s just… nevermind” Yuto shakes his head, reminding himself that he shouldn’t make Ryosuke’s fever even worse by bickering with Julien outside here when it’s so cold and his boyfriend is very sensitive of cold weather.

He glares at Julien for the last time before he goes inside through the revolving door, trying to not think that Julien is following him and pretending that the guy is not there at all. But that plan also doesn’t work because he needs to open the door to the hallway that leads to his mansion and he either needs the card in his pocket or Ryosuke’s (and he doesn’t want Julien’s hands nowhere near his or Ryosuke’s bodies) or inputs some numbers to open the door, which he cannot do himself because he is carrying Ryosuke and he has way too much pride to ask for Julien’s help. The thorough security of his apartment building apparently has flaws, like now.

“what is the pin number?” Julien asks first, finally.

“zero. Nine. One. Zero. Five. Eight” 091058… it’s his and Ryosuke’s birthday date and month combined. He changed it right after Ryosuke moved in with him, he remembers how Ryosuke laughed at him because of that and called him ‘cheesy’. But that day… he knew that Ryosuke liked his cheesiness.

Julien opens the door of the hallway for him and he slips in, following the path to the one and only door in the middle, pushing it open while thanking God that he didn’t lock it earlier. He is kicking off his shoes as Julien is taking off Ryosuke’s boots, he doesn’t say thanks or anything and back to pretending that Julien is not getting inside his and Ryosuke’s home. Taking the stairs to the bedroom is tough when he is carrying Ryosuke on his arms, but there is no way he will let Ryosuke walk by himself. He will carry him even if his arms will fall off after that.

“bathroom” Ryosuke says to him when it’s just several feet away from getting him to the bed, “I feel so gross. Bathroom”

“okay. I understand” he answers shortly, turning back and passing right beside Julien to get to the bathroom.

Yuto takes Ryosuke down in the bathroom, helping him to sit on one of the seats in front of the sinks and taking off his clothes while his lover is clearly trying his best to hold the pain that he feels. Ryosuke’s face is slightly red but his lips are pale, cold sweat rolling down his forehead and he looks… God, he looks like he is in so much pain and he doesn’t have a heart to see him like this. He discards Ryosuke’s clothes and jeans on the bathroom floor, asking Ryosuke to hold very tight on the sink so he won’t fall when he leaves him for few seconds to take a clean towel, wetting it with warm water and wiping Ryosuke’s face from sweat and trace of vomit around his mouth.

He is standing behind Ryosuke, letting him to lean on his body as he is washing his dirty hands from the soil in the sink. Then last, he gives Ryosuke a glass of water so he can wash his mouth. “I’ll get you something warm to drink later, okay?” Ryosuke nods, looking at him when he is patting his lips with a towel after he washed his mouth from the nasty taste of vomit.

He is almost taking Ryosuke out of the bathroom naked, completely forgot that Julien is outside. He should not make it a problem because to be fair Julien has seen Ryosuke’s body before. But hell, it’s in the past and he doesn’t want Julien to see even a piece of Ryosuke’s skin now. “wait a minute, I’ll get you a pajama” he tells Ryosuke, closing the door of the bathroom behind him so Julien can’t get in.

“can I borrow your kitchen? I wanna make Ryosuke something to make him feel better” Julien says when he is walking out from the closet with a pair of sleepwear in his hand.

Wait, Julien wanna do what?

“hell no. Don’t touch anything in my – our house. I’ll take care of Ryosuke, if you don’t like it then go”

“I just wanna help” Julien pleads, and no it doesn’t work on him.

Julien can beg all he wants but there is no way he will let Julien to help him taking care of Ryosuke. Those days of them sharing Ryosuke was over thousand years ago. “I don’t want your help”

Julien sighs at Yuto’s cranky rude attitude. It’s so… immature. He just wants to help taking care of Ryosuke because him getting sick is more his fault than it is Ryosuke’s vulnerable immunity system. But Yuto doesn’t want him to help, and although he wants to argue with him he knows that he shouldn’t if he still wants to be here and watching over Ryosuke. Yuto, however, is doing a pretty much good job of taking care of Ryosuke. He is watching him tucking Ryosuke in the bed, speaking to him so tenderly and putting socks on Ryosuke’s feet because he knows wearing socks to sleep will help Ryosuke to sleep better.

He knows that too…

Yuto leaves him and Ryosuke in the bedroom after he warned him not to get near to Ryosuke or touch him. He thinks that Yuto is being absolutely crazy, but he still respects him because he is Ryosuke’s boyfriend now and he… he is nothing but an ex. So there he is, sitting on the window seat while watching over Ryosuke silently, holding himself back when Ryosuke is moaning in pain in the bed with his eyes closed.

“cousin, I know that your boyfriend is hot as hell. But can you please restrain yourself and don’t call me in the middle of the night just to tell me that he is hot? I just finished eight hours in the ER with both of my hands all over a man’s body, in a very not sexy way, and I don’t have time for this” Kagawa Keiko grunted over the phone, her voice that streams from the speaker fills the quiet air in the kitchen accompanying Yuto who is literally staring at the water in the pot to boil so he can make Ryosuke a chamomile tea to help him with his nausea.

Yuto turns his face at the phone on the kitchen’s counter, rolling his eyes, “I didn’t mean for that kind of hot” although well, Ryosuke is hot as hell, but it’s not what he meant earlier. “he has a fever, idiot. He threw up too!”

“okay. How many times he threw up” Keiko asks way too calmly, contrasting Yuto’s frustrated and worried tone.


“still okay”

“what the hell is ‘still okay’ from that? Get your ass here and check him!” Yuto grabs the phone, shouting at it while in the other part of the town his cousin almost gets an ear dysfunction because of that.

The girl holds the phone away from her ear, “cousin, you’re too rude for someone who is asking for my favor” she tells her so so so annoying and selfish cousin who wants everything to get done when he asks for it.

“I don’t care. Tell me that later, but now – “

“it’s just a fever, Nakajima Yuto” she sighs, cutting Yuto’s worried-boyfriend rant. “check his temperature and if it’s more than 39,5 degrees then call me again”

“but – “

“I’m the doctor here, cousin. I promise I’ll go check him in the morning, okay? Just check his temp, make him to drink a lot of water so he won’t get dehydrated and I’ll be there in the morning”

Keiko promised on the phone, and finally Yuto has the decency to shut up and agree. “fine” the water is boiling anyway, he needs to tend to Ryosuke rather than bickering with his cousin and forcing her to get to his apartment ASAP.

When he comes back to the bedroom, his eyes automatically look for Julien first, just to make sure he doesn’t move a single muscle in the window seat. Julien is still there, sitting like a damn statue while looking at Ryosuke. “Ryosuke, come on, you have to drink a lot so you won’t get dehydrated” he softly asks Ryosuke to keep drinking when the shorter refuses to take another sip, saying that he feels so sick.

The digital thermometer shows that Ryosuke has a 39 degrees Celsius fever and hell if it doesn’t make him to call his cousin again, which then making him to get scolded again because she said that he has to call when Ryosuke’s fever is over 39,5. He is trying to ease Ryosuke’s pain by rubbing his hand or caressing his hair when Ryosuke is curling in pain and it really tortures him to see Ryosuke sick, it reminds him of that day when he almost lost him… that day when Ryosuke was lying unconscious after his accident and he didn’t know if he would ever see him opening his eyes again.

“don’t go, Yuto” Ryosuke’s weak fingers trying to hold onto his hand when he is about to go calling his cousin again, or any doctor, because he can’t stand watching Ryosuke suffering. “don’t go…”

“I’m not going anywhere” he whispers to Ryosuke, planting a kiss on his forehead that is wet because he is sweating a lot. He gets on the bed, slipping under the blanket and spooning Ryosuke, his hand is holding on Ryosuke’s as he is embracing him to sleep. “you will be okay. I’m here”

a/n: btw, if you notice, I did mention Ryosuke feeling feverish when he’s with Julien. Well, it’s not (only) because he was flustered of being with Julien. It’s because he really was having a fever XD
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