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[personal profile] yurikamome19
Title: The Other End Of The Red String

Author: [livejournal.com profile] yurikamome19

Pairing: YutoYama

Rating: pg-13

Genre: AU, BL, romance, almost angst-free

Waking up to see two people who can (and already did) ruin his mind, life, and heart like no other is… just plain surprising. Yamada Ryosuke doesn’t know what to think of this, mostly because he has a very little recollection of what happened yesterday thanks to his fever. It is only flashes and pieces of memories that scatter around in his head that feels heavy like he has a brick tied around it. But no matter how much he has lost his memories of what happened last night, he is sure there’s nothing like a truce between Yuto and Julien. It’s just impossible. Knowing how Yuto hates Julien… it’s just impossible.

He is about to ask about why both of their faces are bruised and swollen when finally the fog of the dreamland has cleared off in his head and he remembers about last night, his Disneyland date with Julien, him feeling sick, his fight with Yuto, then his ex and his current boyfriend acting as if they’re in a soap opera and punching each other fighting over him and who deserved his hand...

But wait, did he break up with Yuto last night or not? He only remembers that he said to Yuto to go fuck himself and about him getting out of his life… then he basically took everything back by looking for their matching ring that he threw and clinging on Yuto for dear life after that while Yuto was whispering sorry in a tone that broke his heart over and over again in his ear.

So are they still dating or not?

“Ryosuke? Are you okay? Do you need anything? Water?” Yuto, sitting on the edge of the bed, is crowding him with questions while holding his hand. So they’re still dating?

“I don’t feel comfortable in this pajama. It’s wet” and damn, why did he say that? Well, he really doesn’t feel comfortable in the drenched-in-sweat pajama, but he should have said or done something more clever than that, like… asking Yuto and Julien to get the fuck away from him and throw something at them because he doesn’t have the strength needed to throw a punch.

However, despite of all the things that he knows he should have done, he is still lying there in the bed doing and saying nothing harsh to both of them. He is still mad, yes, but seeing their eyes filled with worry and concern and love… it’s hard for him to say the words that he knows will hurt them.

“you wanna change?” Ryosuke nods at Yuto’s question, and without further ado Yuto slips his hands under his body, carrying him on his arms to the bathroom while he doesn’t know what to think of this, or their relationship.

He wants Yuto to stop doing this kind of… caring thing. He knows Yuto wants to apologize and this is his way to make up to him. But well, he is honestly still mad at him. Just a little bit. Because he also remembers last night when Yuto regretted everything he said and taking care of him. He remembers when Yuto was helping him to ditch his dirty clothes, washing his hands in the sink while kissing his bare shoulder behind him, showing him how much he regretted everything and how much he loved him.

Gosh, he can’t decide if he wants to forgive Yuto or be mad at him. He is too tired to think about their problem right now. He needs to get better first, then dealing with everything on his plate even if he hates facing his problem head on when it is still fresh. “I can do that myself” he says to Yuto whose fingers are on the top button of his pajama to undress him.

“you can leave. I’m gonna take a bath” his tone sounded colder than he had wanted it to be, maybe he is still pretty mad at Yuto more than he has thought before.

Yuto probably feels his ice-cold attitude too because there’s a flash of sadness in his eyes when he glances up at him. And fuck, it hurts him. He hates that he hurts Yuto. It makes him to feel like he is a bad person, like he’s a jerk. “no” Yuto unbuttons the first button of his pajama, his raven eyes are getting glassy with deep regret. “I know you’re mad at me. You can do that but I’m not gonna leave you. You’re sick”

“I hate you” He doesn’t know why he said that. He knew it would hurt Yuto but he couldn’t help himself. He is in pain. He is disappointed at Yuto, he is mad at Yuto, and the grudge is burning his heart. He hates that he said that, he hates it so much, but… he is just so sad… he is just so sad that Yuto didn’t believe him, that Yuto accused him things even after what they had gone through together, after what he had said and promised to him. He is just so sad that Yuto didn’t trust him…

“I do hate myself too. Say that as much as you want to me, I deserve it” Yuto says, his sentence trembles just like his lips when he is spelling the words. Then the first tear flows down his left cheek. “but don’t go, Ryosuke… I’ll do anything… I’ll do anything so you can forgive me. I’m so sorry…”

Nakajima Yuto breaks down in tears, weeping hard like he has lost Yamada Ryosuke forever. Ryosuke touches Yuto’s face, brushing the tears off Yuto’s cheeks and it only makes Yuto to drop more of the tears.

“we are a mess, Yuto… how if all we are going to do is hurting each other?” the same fear that he had couple months ago comes back creeping in his heart, the question that almost made him to stay in Kyoto and not give Yuto a chance to make him believe that they could build a perfect relationship that he always wanted.

“don’t go back there, Ryosuke… don’t give in to that that thought. We can do this… we can make this work, we are going to make this work... together. Don’t give up on us… I swear I’ll be better man who is worth of you. But please… please don’t give up on us because without you… ” Yuto takes Ryosuke’s face on his hands with strong but gentle force. “I’ll be lost without you, Ryosuke…”

Yuto doesn’t want to know how it feels like to lose Ryosuke now when he has known how amazing it was to wake up next to Ryosuke in the morning and see his smile the last before he went to sleep. He doesn’t want to know the life without Ryosuke… he doesn’t want to come back there…

Yamada Ryosuke feels warmer than usual when Nakajima Yuto is hugging him tight as if he doesn’t want to let him go, as if Ryosuke will slip through his fingers if he doesn’t do that. It is a bit suffocating and hurt for Ryosuke, but he doesn’t say anything or pushing Yuto away because it hurts him. Somehow that tight embrace makes him feels like he is wanted, like he is loved so much by Yuto… it’s like he can feel the pattern of his name carved on Yuto’s heart with his fingertips as he can also feel the deep wound that is still wet in him, the wound that he inflicted yesterday when he decided to go with Julien.

Gosh, they are a mess. They hurt each other because they’re hurt, because some tiny parts in their hearts still in doubt about each other’s feelings, because they’re short-tempered and quick to jump into conclusion, because they had history and it stuck with them up until now. And more than anything, it’s because he did a mistake and he let himself giving in to the piece of his heart that is still Julien’s…

If only he didn’t go with Julien… he and Yuto won’t be in this situation. If only he just said no to Julien and went back home… they would not spit words at each other that only meant to cut deep into each other’s heart. It’s his fault… everything is his fault.

“I’m sorry, Yuto… I’m sorry I went with him” Ryosuke pushes Yuto only to look him in the eye and apologize. It’s all his fault… he pushed Yuto to the very end of his patience and made him so mad and sad. He caused all of this… “it’s my fault”

“it’s okay, Ryosuke. You didn’t do anything with him, you said so yourself and I believe you”

“I’m so sorry… yesterday, yesterday I was – ”

“you don’t have to tell me now” Yuto interrupts Ryosuke’s frantic explanation. He doesn’t want Ryosuke to explain that now, he’s worried if it’ll give him more stress and he’ll get worse. He doesn’t want that… “I will listen to you and we will talk about this, but now you have to get better first. We will do it later, okay?”

“do you forgive me?” Ryosuke’s eyes are pleading, and he knows that Ryosuke is scared that he will lose him too.

But Ryosuke… that won’t happen. You won’t lose me.

“way before you ask” he reassured him, drawing a soft smile that he hopes will put Ryosuke’s mind at ease.

He forgives Ryosuke.

He already forgave Ryosuke yesterday when Ryosuke desperately trying to look for his part of their matching rings. It hit him real hard at that time that Ryosuke loved him and that he was so stupid for doubting his feelings and calling him names. “I love you so much, Yamada Ryosuke” Yuto lands a kiss on Ryosuke’s neck, tasting salt on his tongue but he doesn’t care.

Shying away from his kiss, Ryosuke makes him to think that he doesn’t want him. But looking into his eyes, so round and innocent, Ryosuke says, “I’m kind of sweaty”

Among all the things that can turn him off, a little sweat is not one of them. Ryosuke should have known that by now, considering he tasted more than just his sweat pretty often. “I know. I was holding you the whole night, so I know, and I don’t care”

“Well, I care” Ryosuke says, rolling his eyes at him. “I seriously need a shower”

“okay” Yuto finally gives in to the slight pout of his boyfriend, detaching his arms from Ryosuke’s body and starting to resume his earlier job, helping Ryosuke to take his pajama off while sometimes giving a peck on Ryosuke’s sweaty skin despite of his complaints.

Ryosuke doesn’t hate the kisses, it’s quite the opposite, it makes him to feel all funny feelings in his stomach and he’s so flattered to receive such affection from Yuto. It’s just that he is really sweaty and he feels really gross right now. While Yuto is undressing him, and leaving kisses everywhere, he is writing a mental note in his mind of what he should do after this. There are a lot of things to handle for him, there is Julien, he has to get Yuto’s face treated or Yuto will have to show up with bruised face in the housewarming party, then of course he and Yuto still also need to talk about what happened yesterday.

But now, he doesn’t want to think about what he needs to take care of. He doesn’t want to think of the world outside this bathroom and the pain that still lies in his heart. “get in with me?” his fingers are tugging at the hem of Yuto’s shirt, looking up at him with hopeful eyes.

Right now, he just wants to be with Yuto.

“sure. I’m not planning to let you take a shower by yourself anyway” Yuto answers with a smile. Yuto lets Ryosuke to pull the shirt over his head then he is stepping out of his trousers before he sweeps Ryosuke's feet off the ground and taking him to the shower.

“last night”


“last night you told me that you love me in sickness and in health” Ryosuke’s voice drifts off, his gaze is locked on him as his thumb is brushing over his lips, “me too”

“and you have to know that I will still do even if you don’t have a company to inherit, a big ass mansion and eight sport cars in your garage. For richer, for poorer… I’ll still do” Ryosuke continued. He doesn’t want Yuto to think that he just wants to have an easy life being his sugar baby or something. He will still want Yuto no matter what circumstances that lie ahead.

“I know” Yuto smiles understandingly, putting him back down when they’ve reached the shower “and that’s why… that’s why I’ll try to be the best version of myself so I can be the man who deserves you”

Yuto takes his hand to his lips, kissing his palm and the back of his hand, glancing at the ring on his finger before he meets his eyes. “So please stay beside me and keep believing me, from this day forward… please stay with me for better or worse”

Ryosuke is cupping Yuto’s cheek with his free hand, standing on his toes and aiming for his lips as he says, “absolutely”

Nakajima Yuto walks out of the bathroom around twenty minutes later in a piece of towel around his waist while Yamada Ryosuke is still inside the bathroom, drying his hair in front of the mirror in the sink area. Yuto has expected to find Julien waiting outside the bathroom, but instead he finds his cousin at the far side of the bedroom, sitting on the window seat and whistling when she sees him. “as expected from you, cousin. Make-up shower sex? That must be hot”

“not your business” he rolls his eyes, ignoring her remark and going inside the closet to take some clothes for him and Ryosuke.

Kagawa Keiko follows Yuto to the closet, stopping at the threshold of the closet, watching Yuto busying himself taking clothes and underwear from different drawers. “of course it’s my business, I have to know if my patient has done an activity that put more strain on his already-sick body”

Yuto is digesting the words for a moment, thinking whether it makes sense or not, “you made it up” and well, he thinks that Keiko made it up. Having sex with someone who has a fever won’t make it worse, right? Not that he and Ryosuke had sex earlier anyway, they just shared sweet kisses and nothing more.

“jeez” Keiko scoffs, about to deny it but Yuto can see through her and tear her thin lie apart. “well, yes I did. I’m just curious if you’ve made up with him, and I wonder if make-up sex really works even after a disaster like last night. Because hell, cousin, your life is spectacularly complicated and messy”

Keiko arrived this morning just right after Yuto took Ryosuke to the bathroom. Julien who was accidentally in the kitchen to make Ryosuke a warm drink was the one who let Keiko in. Imagine how surprised Keiko was when she saw Julien in Yuto’s apartment, with a bruised face and dejected expression, she knew something wasn’t right then. Julien filled her in, telling her what happened especially about the part where both of him and Yuto practically drove Ryosuke crazy and made his fever even worse.

It wasn’t really her concern though, and maybe it made her a bad doctor, but she felt more envy toward Yamada Ryosuke than worrying about his fever. The guy is sure living a life of a lead protagonist of a romance BL drama or something. She really is jealous at Ryosuke and cursing why Ryosuke can tie two gorgeous guys to him while she can’t get even one serious boyfriend. But well, it’s Ryosuke, he has one hell of a charm and she doesn’t blame those guys to fight over him.

“Julien told you?” Yuto asks without looking at her, his left hand is holding a bunch of fabric while the other is rummaging the upper drawer for a pair of socks and adding the thick socks with a flashy rainbow color to the pile in his left hand.

“yep. He’s still here by the way, cooking something for Ryosuke” Keiko says and gosh Yuto’s scary face when she spells that must be enough to kill an innocent puppy, the hate is knocking the roof off. So she quickly resumes before her cousin breathes fire and burns her alive.

“I asked him to cook something for Ryosuke. He needs to eat something nutritious right now and the guy can cook. Doctor’s order” she is conveniently hiding behind her occupation and uses the magical words. But of course it doesn’t work for Nakajima Yuto.

“I can call delivery” Yuto is so mad that she asked Julien to cook and use the kitchen although Yuto has specifically forbid the guy to do anything and touch anything in his and Ryosuke’s house.

“come on, Yuto. Be mature just a little bit. It’s for Ryosuke’s sake” she tries to persuade him, slightly afraid that Yuto will get into another brawl with Julien and she is ready to march in the bathroom and asking for Yamada Ryosuke’s help. “it’s not like Ryosuke will go back to him after he eats whatever he is cooking downstairs”

The last sentence that Keiko said gets Yuto to think about it again, about trust and about Ryosuke’s feelings to him. Keiko is actually right, Ryosuke won’t go back to Julien just because he cooks him something or because Julien shows some affection, right? Ryosuke loves him… Ryosuke chooses him over Julien and he shouldn’t feel threatened by Julien anymore. Although he still hates the idea of Ryosuke accepting something from Julien, he knows that Ryosuke needs to eat and fresh homemade food is better for his health.

“whatever” Yuto groans in frustration as he walks past Keiko, then says, “don’t go anywhere. I’ll take Ryosuke out in a minute and then do your job” before leaving his cousin that is probably rolling her eyes behind his back and totally done with him being a petty boyfriend.

But well, he can’t help if he still holds grudge at Julien for hurting Ryosuke and indirectly pushing him to the brink of death. He just can’t forgive him for that, not even when Ryosuke has forgiven Julien for everything that he did to him and he will still not forgive him even though Julien is doing everything he can for Ryosuke’s sake to pay for everything. It won’t change anything between him and Julien. Because he… he almost lost Ryosuke that day and he will never forgive Julien for causing that.

“what’s going on outside?” Ryosuke glances at him through the mirror as he is blowing his hair in front of the sink, his legs are crossed on the seat and he knows that Ryosuke must occasionally blow his toes with the hair dryer too to warm them. It’s Ryosuke’s habit that he has picked up after living with him for two months now.

He puts the clothes on the seat beside Ryosuke, his seat, while he chooses to stand behind Ryosuke and meeting his eyes in the mirror and kissing the top of his head. “Keiko. She’s here to check you”

“I feel a lot better though” Ryosuke smiles at him and he can see that his lover has gotten better although his face is still a bit red and his skin feels warm under his touch.

He tilts Ryosuke’s face up, giving him a peck on his mouth that tastes a bit like mint and a lot like their toothpaste. Since they use the same brand, he must smell and taste like that too for Ryosuke. “still have to make sure”

It turns out that Ryosuke is right about it, his fever is going down and his cousin says that his lover just needs to take a lot of rest, drink a lot and eat something even if he doesn’t feel like eating so he’ll get completely healed by the end of the day. He takes Ryosuke downstairs to eat, with one of his arm holding on Ryosuke’s body in case Ryosuke is not as fine to walk as he claimed to be. When Ryosuke spotting Julien in the kitchen, Ryosuke stops midway to the kitchen bar and he doesn’t know what Ryosuke is thinking or feeling when Julien is looking back at him. He can’t read Ryosuke’s mind and peek into his heart, but he lays his trust in everything that Ryosuke said to him.

“I make cheese risotto and chicken soup. I’ll get you some” Julien says, eyes are focused nowhere but Ryosuke who cannot say anything and looking up at Yuto as if he wants Yuto to tell him what to do.

Ryosuke is afraid that Yuto is getting mad or will be mad about this situation, Yuto knows that, he can see it in Ryosuke’s eyes and that is… he is glad that Ryosuke cares about him and his opinion because it means that he is important for Ryosuke. “you have to eat” is the sentence that came out of his mouth, reassuring Ryosuke that he is okay with him eating what Julien has cooked for him.

Keiko glances at him in an exaggerated surprised expression, half-mocking him for being mature and definitely thinking that it’s because of the influence of her speech earlier. But no, it’s not that. He wants Ryosuke to get better soon and if it means that he has to eat something that Julien cooked, then he will put aside his grudge toward Julien for a moment. If it’s for Yamada Ryosuke’s sake, he’ll do anything.

Julien is serving a small portion of risotto and a bowl of soup for Ryosuke who responds with an awkward ‘thanks’ and tiny smile. Keiko gladly accepts when Julien is being nice and offering her to eat breakfast, she says that she’d be happy to have a decent breakfast before she has to run back to the hospital. Julien also asks him if he wants to eat too, but of course he says he doesn’t need one and grabbing a carton of milk from the fridge before getting back to sit on the wooden barstool beside Ryosuke in front of the kitchen bar.

Yuto is quite surprised at how fast his cousin eats when she’s not in a restaurant or a formal banquet, she practically slurps the risotto in two minutes and he wonders if it’s how every busy doctor in the world eating or it’s just his cousin starving. But anyhow, he feels slightly (just slightly!) guilty that he forced Keiko to come and check on Ryosuke despite of her busy schedule as a successor of the family hospital. Mental note; he has to stop her if she’s trying to hook up with someone who has the same vibe as his old self, that’s the least he can do for her who has zero luck at picking a good man.

Holding her phone with her right hand and her bag on the other, Kagawa Keiko may as well speaking an alien language when she is giving instruction to someone on the other side of the line about how to handle a patient, what drug to give and so on while she is walking toward the entrance way to go back to the hospital after she specifically told Ryosuke to drink a bunch and rest, also for him to be a good boy and not have another brawl with Julien who miraculously survived the murderous gaze he shot him numerous times during breakfast, literally every time Julien looked at Ryosuke who was eating silently with his head hung down.

“I think I should get back too” Julien says after several seconds of silence that fills the air since Yuto’s chatty cousin left, and for the first time that morning Ryosuke responds to what Julien has said in more than one word.

“can you stay?”

Well, Yuto almost flips the damn kitchen bar upside down, which will be an impossible thing to do since it’s planted on the floor, when Ryosuke says that, asking Julien to stay. But before he asks to Ryosuke what did he mean with that, Ryosuke glances at him quickly and shoots him a gaze that making him know that Ryosuke is entirely his, that he doesn’t have to worry.

“I think we have to talk. You and me, and Yuto” Ryosuke holds his hand as he spells his name, and he is squeezing his small hand to give him strength because he knows that Ryosuke’s default setting when he is face to face with a new problem is to bolt right away. The old him was even worse, he used to distract his mind with something else which was sex or alcohol or any other mind-altering substance or all three at the same time, and deal with it later.

From the way Ryosuke glanced at him earlier, Yuto knows that Ryosuke wants to have this difficult conversation now because Ryosuke wants to assure him and fix everything, but he also can feel that it’s not all that Ryosuke wants to say to Julien, that Ryosuke is probably going to say that he still cares about him and loves him. And that’s why… that’s why he is holding Ryosuke’s hand even tighter so he’ll know that he won’t let him go to Julien.

Julien settles back on one of the stools, deliberately using his earlier one and not the stool Keiko used because it’s right on Ryosuke’s left side and Yuto won’t like him to sit that close to his boyfriend. Yamada Ryosuke is puffing out a deep breath when he spins the stool and looks at Julien’s eyes, and Julien swears that Ryosuke is holding his breath because he does…

The bitter pain and aching longing stuffing their lungs and they cannot breathe…

Ryosuke’s voice cracks when he says those three words to Julien, “I love you” cutting deep on Yuto’s heart with each syllable that he spells. And Yuto would have been shattered if it’s not for Ryosuke’s fingers clutching onto his hand, reminding him that he won’t go anywhere.

“I tried to stop it, everything that I felt toward you. I tried to erase it, everything that we had together… but it’s useless. I still care about you. I still want to know if you’re doing okay, if you take care of yourself or if you eat properly. I still care about you because I still love you, because we have history, and I can’t help it” Yamada Ryosuke conveys his feelings, honestly, doesn’t try to hide anything because he knows that he won’t fool anyone in the room. He still cares and loves Julien, of course he still does… how could he forget love that strong? How could he forget the guy who was his universe once? He was such a fool for thinking that he could do that.

Julien’s expression turns sadder, as if he hasn’t made his heart bleeds already to see his blue eyes watering, flooding in with regret and guilt and asking for forgiveness of pain that he caused, of ruining their relationship, of wrecking his life apart…

But he doesn’t need Julien to say sorry to him. He knows that Julien is sorry and this confession is the answer for Julien’s apology for causing him so much pain.

“you still have a part of my heart, Julien, and I don’t think it’ll ever change. I can’t act like you’re no one and forget everything between us. Besides, I don’t want that… I don’t want that although it’s hard to see you, although it feels like being suffocated when I look at you, although I always get tortured by our memories when you’re around. I still don’t want us to be strangers”

Yes. Julien may think that he hates him after everything, the he blames him for breaking his heart along with their relationship, but his feelings isn’t as simple as that. True, a tiny hidden part of his heart is disappointed and mad because Julien made him to think that he wasn’t good enough so he was seeking for someone else back then, it’s true… but he never once has hatred pointed at him. Never…


However, he knows that he can’t go back there. He can’t go back to Julien or succumb to his lingering feelings toward him because he knows better that nothing is gonna change between them, nothing can change what happened…

“But friendship is the only thing that I want us to be, because I can’t go back… I can’t go back to what we were. Because I need someone who is on the same page as me, I need someone who thinks that I am the only one he needs and wants, I need someone who wants the same thing and has the same goal as me, and it was not you… it’s not you”

Ryosuke is not stupid, he can see it in Julien’s eyes that he wants to make it all up for him. But it’s too late now… it’s too late because there is someone who lays his whole heart and the world at his feet, who makes him to feel like he is special, that no one and nothing will ever be able to replace him. And it’s everything he’s ever wanted… it’s the relationship that he’s adored.

“I understand” Julien says, “as long as you’re happy, Ryosuke… I can do that, being your friend… I can do that if that’s what you want”

Ryosuke spins his chair to turn at Yuto, throwing a silent question with his eyes, asking if it’s okay that he wants to stay friends with Julien. But even without spelling a word, Ryosuke knows that Yuto hates the idea of him being friends with Julien, and it’s not because of his rivalry with the guy, because he is a possessive prick or because of his insecurity that based on a fact that Ryosuke still loves Julien. Yuto hates the idea because of what happened, because – “you almost died”

Because Ryosuke almost died because of Julien and he cannot forgive him for that… he can still feel it, like it’s only yesterday… he can still feel the pain when he was looking at Ryosuke unconscious on the hospital bed and he didn’t know if Ryosuke would ever woke up again. How could Ryosuke forgive him? Because he is sure that he can’t…

“how could you expect me to let you to even get near him when every time you did that you came back hurt and sick?”

Ryosuke was hurt when Julien wanted to involve other people in their relationship, drowning himself in alcohol and making that sad expression… he can still remember that.

Ryosuke acted tough since then, doing everything Julien wanted even though he was lonely inside… he can still remember how lonely his face was when he was watching Julien’s back and the tears that he was hiding while he was eating a spicy food. He can still remember that.

Ryosuke, crying in the hospital bed… physically and emotionally battered… he can remember that too. He can remember it way too clearly.

And yesterday, when Ryosuke was weak on his arms… he was so mad at Julien for doing it again, for making Ryosuke suffered again.

How can he trust Julien after all of that? How can he let Ryosuke befriend him knowing how much Julien can screw up Ryosuke’s life and hurt him?

“I can’t” Yuto tugs his hand away from Ryosuke’s loose grip, standing up and glaring at Julien as he is pointing toward the exit, “get out of our house, now!”

“Yuto, I’m – “

Julien is about to apologize for everything, but Yuto doesn’t want to hear it, because it’s not gonna change his mind and heart. “get the hell out”

Ryosuke quickly glances at Julien, nodding once to ask him to leave immediately because right now Yuto won’t hear anything that he wants to say no matter how much he means it. Julien gathers his jacket on the counter, looking at Ryosuke like he doesn’t want to leave his side before he forces his legs to walk to the door. Yuto is so upset that Ryosuke even considers to be friends with Julien, not that he never thought that Ryosuke would want it, he somehow knew that Ryosuke wasn’t capable to completely cut his relationship with someone who he once loved, but still… he is upset to know it for sure.

Yuto is going back to the bedroom right after Julien closed the door and gone for good, leaving Ryosuke alone downstairs. But he stops midway in the hall where his and Ryosuke’s name are framed on the wall, cursing under his breath because Ryosuke has a fever and he just left him. And knowing Ryosuke, he will follow him to the bedroom and he is worried that Ryosuke will trip on the stairs on his way up. He turns around and walks fast to go back to Ryosuke who is already four steps away from the way he is standing on the top of the stairwell.

He is stretching his arm to Ryosuke, holding tight his hand when he has it around his long fingers. “I’m sorry for leaving you. Are you okay?”

Ryosuke smiles and nods, “I’m all right”

“about earlier…”

Both of them spoke at the same time, Ryosuke laughs a bit when he realizes while Yuto’s lips twitch in an almost smile. Hell, Ryosuke’s laugh is infectious and it’s not his fault that he can’t resist it. And by the way he is not mad at Ryosuke or hating him or feeling hurt of what he said to Julien, he just can’t accept that Ryosuke wants to have a friendship with Julien who could only pour misery into his life.

He is not hurt with the ‘I love you’ too, not anymore, because Ryosuke also made it clear that he wanted him and not Julien, and he is still floating in a happy mood because of that, but still! He is annoyed about the idea of their friendship. It’s just not going to happen!

“I don’t want you to get near him, and it’s not because I’m afraid that you will go back to him” he clears up, doesn’t want Ryosuke to get it wrong and think that he doesn’t trust him. After last night, this morning in the shower and Ryosuke’s speech few minutes ago… he’d be such a stupid asshole if he didn’t trust Ryosuke.

“I know” Ryosuke reaches for his other hand, holding both of them as he is staring up at him, “I know that. You’re just worried about me”

“damn right I am” Ryosuke chuckles hearing that and he furrows his eyebrows at him, “that’s not funny, don’t laugh”

“I’ll do what I want” releasing both of his hands, Ryosuke shoves himself on his body, burying his face on his neck. “I’ll be okay, Yuto”

“you don’t know that. And bribing me with a hug won’t do the magic for me to say ‘okay honey, you can befriend your ex who hurt you so bad and almost killed you’, I tell you”


“can we talk about this, and everything we have to talk about, later? You have to take a rest and tame that fever”

Ryosuke drags a kiss from the side of his neck to kiss lips, then pulling his head to look at him in the eye, “okay”

Yamada Ryosuke falls asleep almost instantly as soon as his body meets the therapeutic mattress and Yuto’s thumb rubbing circle on his temple to soothe the slight headache that he may have because of the fever. Yuto doesn’t sleep or close his eyes, he is watching Ryosuke sleeping while thinking about everything that happened between them in the past twenty four hours, which is a lot. It’s been such a busy, emotional roller-coaster kind of 24 four hours for him, and for Ryosuke too, especially for Ryosuke…

But now that everything has been cleared, that both of them has survived the sudden storm in their relationship and they’re still here together… he can’t help but thanking God for His bless. Because hell, he almost screwed up. He almost tossed Ryosuke away and broke the heart that he had promised he would protect. God, he was so stupid. Ryosuke gave him everything and he couldn’t see it… he was so stupid!

“the next… ” Yamada Ryosuke runs his right index finger on the small list written on the paper that he spreads on the coffee table in the living room, trying to find the thing that he should say next.

He and Yuto are chilling in the living room at night on the same day, he felt better this afternoon when he woke up and turned out he didn’t have the fever anymore when Yuto checked his body temperature. The first thing he did after he wasn’t feel sick anymore was to find his phone and ask Yuto if they could order pizza, chicken wings, a dozen of donuts and open a bottle of expensive sparkling water from Italy that Yuto bought so they could taste it and decide if it was decent enough to be served at their housewarming party that must be alcohol-free.

He ate a lot and was sure that he would be able to drink the yummy sparkling water that tasted like grapes and raspberry to the last drop of it if only Yuto didn’t stop him, saying something like he would probably had to take down a notch. Yuto was the first one to open his mouth and dragged their problem back to his lap, ruining his supposedly perfect night. But well, he knew that he had to talk it out with Yuto and he better started from the top.

That’s why he has a list. He wrote down everything that he wants to discuss with Yuto and the things that he wants Yuto to know in a piece of paper and working on it. The top two on his list are already scratched down, the first one is how he met Julien yesterday and where he went with him, then the second is why he didn’t text or call him back, which was because his phone was in a stupid silent mode and he didn’t notice.

Then the third… this is what he is going to talk about with Yuto at this second. “about that ‘slut’ word… “

Yuto, who’s been listening to him the whole time while leaning the side of his body on the leg of the sofa, straightens his back and apologizes to him, again. “God, I’m so sorry about that, Ryosuke. I didn’t know why I said that and I guess I was just too hurt to think straight and I – “

“stop right there” he interrupts, raising a hand in the air. “I know that you’re sorry, and I know that you’re an asshole when you’re mad. Gee, I know you for years and the words you said when you were drunk or upset… “ he sighs dramatically to make a point, because Yuto was really creative with words when he was angry or drunk or frustrated.

“in short, I get it and I also overreacted last night. I should have known better that you were hurt, but I guess I was too tired with everything that was going on and I couldn’t keep my calm when you blamed me and called me names like that” he scans the wine-red rug – that Yuto bought just three days ago because he accidentally knocked over a bottle of lube on the previous rug and it had to be sent to a cleaner – to find Yuto’s hand and hold it to reassure him.

“I’m not mad at you, and I shot back at you anyway, so I guess we are even?” Yuto threads his fingers on his hand, his thumb rubbing on his palm and it almost distracts him and makes him to sigh in comfort.

Then Yuto asks, “you’re okay with that?”

“um, no. I’m not if you really think of me like that. Sure I slept around a lot, and I was really such a slut, but still I don’t want to hear you call me that, even when you’re mad at me” he was a slut, yes he was, there’s no point of going around that because it’s true. But it’s history, he doesn’t want to be that person anymore and he wants to stick to his plan of not sleeping around anymore, not even when he’s mad at Yuto. So yeah, of course he doesn’t want Yuto to call him that. No one is ever going to want their lover to call them names, right?

“it won’t happen again” Yuto brings his hand to his lips, kissing it softly.

“I know” he smiles, butterflies in his stomach is fluttering and it’s level five of glee in his drunk-on-love-meter already only with that simple kiss on his hand. He should have stayed in the lukewarm fluffy mood, but his mind doesn’t work like normal people and it pops something to the surface. “but wait, if you call me that in a different situation I think I’ll be okay”

Yuto doesn’t seem like he understands what he is saying, but after he’s done explaining to him he is sure that Yuto is gonna like it too. “you remember our second or third attempt on role play? The one which we copied from a porn we paid someone to rent for us? Well, you paid the guy, I was just supporting on the side. Anyway, you took a role as… what was that again? Handsy PE teacher? Or was that basketball coach?” Gosh, he can’t remember Yuto’s role. He can only remember his, which was a pure innocent virgin student. Yuto said he was awesome in that role.

“wait, the one we had in the empty equipment room?” Yuto lights up like a fireworks in an empty town, “Damn, it was a nice fuck”

“not the point” he rolls his eyes. It’s not a trip down sex memory lane, jeez Yuto is so easily distracted by the sex that they had in high school. Each of them was great, and it was fun, but it’s not what he’s going to talk about! “anyway, that day you called me names too during our sex and when you’re finishing on my face. But hell, I liked that. It was hot. I was so turned on I didn’t care if people heard me screaming your name”

Hell, Yuto remembers about that day way too clearly now. He thinks he said something like ‘open your slutty mouth for me’ when he came on Ryosuke’s waiting tongue, and he didn’t even feel guilty for saying that. Man, he was such a jerk. But damn if it wasn’t a good fuck. “and you were supposed to be a bit calmer because you were on a role”

“I forgot that the moment I had your dick up my ass”

Ryosuke has that ‘yeah? Sue me!’ face and Yuto laughs at him, at their stupid selves years ago. “we were such a horny teens back in high school”

“being horny all the time is the perk of being a teenager” Yamada Ryosuke nods to himself. Because come on, name one teenager who is not horny all the time, bet no one can do that.

“so, are you saying that you want some role playing and me talking trash to you?” Yuto asks, with a smirk across his face that makes Ryosuke’s insides tingle.

“I say that I don’t mind you using the word, any cruel degrading nasty words, as long as it comes with my consent, and only when we’re doing role-play. I don’t want it in our regular making love” Ryosuke’s voice tone is hard with warning on his last sentence, but Yuto pays attention more to what he says. Not the role play, but the ‘regular making love’ one.

They made love regularly the past weeks, but what Ryosuke said nuances that Ryosuke wants them to keep making love regularly and it just makes him to grin wider. “got it”

“why are you smiling?” Ryosuke throws Yuto a look but the taller shakes his head, still with a grin splitting his face apart.


“jeez” Ryosuke flushes, because he thinks he knows what Yuto is thinking about. The drunk-on-love meter in him hits the 20 mark and keeps rising as he feels the butterflies in his stomach multiply by the same number. Gosh, he won’t be able to survive the night and finish his list if Yuto keeps aiming that smiling thing at him.

He clears his throat, trying to shove the part of him who wants to jump on Yuto at this moment. “the next is… well, about me and Julien’s postponed friendship, waiting for your consent stamp on it” he looks up warily at Yuto, wondering how much damage he’s done by mentioning the friendship and Julien’s name.

“before that, Ryosuke…” Yuto, the gleeful grin has gone from his face and replaced by something milder, looking at him with a look that seems a bit serious and determined, like he has decided something. He doesn’t think that it’s about his friendship with Julien because then Yuto would have had hatred and disgust flashing so clearly in his eyes, not love and affection oozing from those captivating orbs.

“yeah?” he answers, at the same time he is exhaling deeply since he’s held his breath for several seconds staring back at Yuto and getting swept by the love Yuto has for him.

“thank you” Yuto starts, squeezing his hand that he’s been holding a bit tighter, “thank you for choosing me and being with me, and giving everything of you for me… I will never ever let you down. I love you so much, Ryosuke”

Yamada Ryosuke’s cheeks are stretched to his ears when he is smiling. The drunk-on-love meter is hitting the roof and gosh he wants to kiss Yuto so bad. “you’ve said that a lot today. It starts to make me feel so weird”

“fuck me” Yuto blurts out, using wrong choice of words though. “I mean, I want you to do me”

“what?” Ryosuke thinks he misheard it. Oh come on, Yuto loves the power in bed, to have control and dominate him. So there’s no way that he said something like that? Why would he say something like that?!?!

“You give everything for me, it’s only fair if I do the same. And more than that… I want you to know that you have me, every inch of me” But Yuto isn’t joking here. Ryosuke is devoted into their relationship, giving his whole self to him and he wants to do the same… he doesn’t want to do this relationship half-assed, so here he offers his full ass.

Ryosuke blinks rapidly, eyes are nervous and bulging, “n-now?”

And hell if it doesn’t make Yuto laughs, hard. “no. Not if you’re going to be awkward and stutter your word like that, and gosh you’re blushing”

“but you – how can I not – what the – fuck!” Ryosuke tries to make a whole sentence, and fails because his mind has gone overdrive with some images about him doing Yuto.

“you don’t make any sense” Yuto says, teasing Ryosuke and enjoying the way Ryosuke is trying to digest the information and handling his own crazy mind. Ryosuke is so cute and adorable like that.

“YOU, caused it” Ryosuke almost screams, “I can’t think straight. My head is spinning”

Now it doesn’t sound so fun anymore since Ryosuke mentioned headache and Yuto doesn’t want him to get sick for real. “don’t think about it now, Ryosuke. We’ll take it slow, remember? I just want you to know that I’m giving all of myself in this relationship”

“but I know that already, even without you offering your ass to me” Ryosuke says, looking at him like he doesn’t want to do that.

Yuto furrows his eyebrows together, “you don’t want it?” wondering if Ryosuke wants to be bottom and only bottom. He always knows that Ryosuke prefers to be bottom if his partner is male ever since he swiped Ryosuke's V card in high school. But Ryosuke also did a lot with girls so he must not hate doing someone, just… not boys?

“I want it!” yeah… that’s not the case, Yuto. As much as Ryosuke likes to be fucked, he does want to try owning and dominating Yuto’s body too. He just doesn’t want to force Yuto into this. “I just feel like I force you to do this. I mean, you feel like you have to prove something to me, by doing this, and I don’t feel right about it”

Yuto pulls Ryosuke’s hand toward him, Ryosuke lifts his ass off the soft wine-red rug to land it down on his lap, knowing what he wants without words. “I do want to prove something to you, that I love you so much and that I give everything of me on a silver platter in front of you. But it’s not only that” he pecks Ryosuke’s irresistible lips, tastes like chocolate and cream. “I just want you to feel me, and I want to feel you”

“God!” Ryosuke ducks his forehead on his shoulder while he chuckles because even if Ryosuke is doing that to hide his reddening face, he can still see his ears and they are in a beautiful maddening red. He doesn’t understand why Ryosuke is so affected by this whole ‘let’s switch’ thing, but he is pretty much enjoying Ryosuke being weird about this.

What about him? Well, he has a bit concern about the pain, but he knows that Ryosuke is going to do it right and minimize the pain for him, Ryosuke has a lot of experience with backdoor penetration anyway so he is not really worried about the pain or anything. So yeah, he is okay with this whole idea of switching role and actually he is looking forward to see what kind of face Ryosuke will make when they’re doing it. He loves seeing Ryosuke when he is pounding inside of him, so he is wondering what kind of expression Ryosuke has when he is the one driving into him.

Damn it. Thinking about making love with Ryosuke makes the blood runs south, and Ryosuke sitting on his lap is not helping to get his mind back to the task. “so, what’s next on your list again?” but at least he’s gotta try.

“screw it. Let’s do it tomorrow” Ryosuke rolls his hips on his lap, detaching his face from his shoulder and staring at him with that looks he can translate so perfectly.

“great idea” he can barely say that before Ryosuke’s mouth finds his and kissing him as if he wants to suck the air out of his lungs.

a/n: yep, vers~


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